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How To Take Nudes Like A Ninja

I don’t even know what I was thinking when I titled this blog post because I have never once seen a nude ninja. Anyway, I think I was referring more to their skills than anything else. Nudes are like an unwanted child that everybody knows is there and we just choose to pretend that it isn’t. Many people (men and women) are taking nudes and sending them to their partners and some are unlucky to have them leaked to the internet or H-Metro/B-Metro. Taking nudes is a science. The headless horsemen is my personal favourite mode of taking nudes. You think its me, but can you prove it? Probably not, you cant see the background, no distinguishing features and filters on levels that make you think you are looking at a yellow bone’s nudes. I have drafted a couple tips to taking dope nudes. Glad to be of service!

1. Don’t

This is the rule of thumb when taking nudes. Don’t take the nudes if you aren’t prepared for the onslaught that comes with their inevitable leakage. Ask yourself why you are taking the nude. Is it for you? For your man? For the fame and fortune? Sometimes when you seek these answers you’ll find yourself and realise that the nude is a symptom of a deep lying issue. You don’t need to take the nude to keep a man. How did our mothers marry before camera phones were made? Whatever choice you make, make it for yourself because it is only you that will have to deal with the consequences.

2. Put Your Clothes On And Take The Picture

A picture of you can still be just as appealing as a nude picture. The picture on Instagram that had the most likes to date was Selena Gomez sipping on a Coke bottle until Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement. She is fully clothed and her hair isn’t even laid down and yet it beats all the half naked women in bikinis and underwear. The ‘good girl’ swag is still in fashion. The closest you can come to a nude is a picture that shows off your best assets. Whether its your cleavage, silky long legs or the round, perky bottom they can still be seen underneath flattering clothes. Jut don’t show more than one asset at a time.

Just in case you are as stubborn as a mule and are adamant on taking the nudes still, here are the last three tips.

If you are reading this you are probably Boity and Marie Claire has approached you for the naked issue or you’re Kim Kardashian and you need a 2,5 million cash injection just for just. NB: Money is the only reason why I’d ever do a naked shoot and even then it should be enough to buy me a new family, new dignity and a relocation to a country that’s not as conservative as Zimbabwe.

3. Make Sure The Background Is Perfect

Location. Location. Location. There must be no flaw in your nude. Your background must not overshadow your Taj Mahal (see what I did there?) Saw this one picture on Instagram of a girl that’s dressed to the nine’s and her bedroom is a mess with clothes lying everywhere. We couldn’t get past the messy room. It completely dominated our focus. An eyesore can be a focal point of a picture as well. The internet trolls were born ready to insult and destroy people on the internet. They can insult anything and fight fault with everything! Don’t let the background become their ammunition against you. It would also be wise for you to not use a background that your kith and kin can recognise (plausible deniability.)

4. Your Body Must Be Sculpted For The Gods

If you’re gonna have that much attention resulting from your nude, you need to make sure there is nothing for the haters to hate. You are automatically subscribed to the impossible standards that women are held to. You cannot have body fat, scars, stretchmarks, flab, multiple skin tones, your boobs must be identical perky twins not distant cousins. The angle from which the nude is taken must be just as flattering. There’s a wrong way of taking a good picture. Work your angles. You might need to be a contortionist to achieve perfection.

5. Choose Your Equipment Wisely

Right, we need to talk cameras. Which camera you use will determine the success of your nude. If you have flaws that you’d like to hide, taking your nude with a 4k camera will not flatter you. Rather use a bad camera that will blur out all your insecurities. If your body is caramel and smooth, you might consider using a camera with a high picture quality. Let us oogle your perfection in HD.

Just before you press send on that impeccable work of art. Check and re-check that you have covered all your basis. This would be a good time to sign away all your rights at ever being a politician or a pastor’s wife. The internet never forgets. Be prepared to be stuck in a time capsule over that one nude. When you hit send, automatically assume you have just published it to the whole world and at this point, its too late for any take-backs. Its over!

5 comments
  1. DaRonza

    Nudes are the new cool, no matter how much we are discouraged we will hit the button. But here are some more Gorilla tips (yeah gorilla means business):

    1. Put Make-up – let’s face it, makeup is a great fakeup and will leave people arguing if it was really you for millenia.
    2. Less is More – there are many forensic auditors to know your nails, fingers, skin tags et al so go for less. Its a nude leave 90% of your body out of it, zoom in and you be just fine.
    3. Shut-up – people like to snap & talk, your voice will get you sold, keep mum for a while in a video.
    4. Go Undercover – so people know your comforter and duvet sets but you show them in background? That’s lame, find an environment nobody can know you were, a hotel, a Lodge, a work bathroom.
    5. Style it – you can throw an English cut, bibho, dino or any other pubic style and don’t wear it again and the povo will keep guessing.
    6. Encrypt it – it’s lame to keep nudes in a phone or flash drive, rather open an email only you know and the password is fhtygvsvdbgjgsvfjswgfbvksbsv. If you forget password it’s ok, your nudes are also forgotten.
    7. Show them, Don’t Send – sending nudes is the beginning of public nudes. Show someone and unless they have Google Glass eyes you have no worry of breach.

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