08 Jan I Can’t Getchu Outta My Head
The one thing that is taking up most of my mental space is the anxiety of what happens now? Something is wrong, and I know its wrong but I can’t seem to stop it or change it and I am tired of failing at trying to change it. I need to know, what happens now.
Went for a counselling retreat weeks ago for my other ghosts and skeletons and while I was there, I started to dig up stuff I had buried so deep, I forgot it was there. Suppression on suppression on depression. I started to re-live those things again. I started to feel things which was weird for me cause I have been numb for years. I suppressed so much that I lost my ability to feel. During the retreat I said things that I had never let get past my mouth. And after all was said and done, I was left raw and vulnerable and my question was, “What happens now?”
I quit my job two months ago because I was tired. I was tired in a place that I cannot touch. Somewhere in my mind, soul, body, emotions I was exhausted. I took some time out to go and be with my family and that got old very fast. I managed to launch my new project and it’s steady doing well. So many opportunities are coming this way but I am still tired. My mind is congested and fragmented. I cannot grasp a single thought. I have suspended all decision making because I am that out of it. So, in my career, I am also wondering, “What happens now?”
I fell in love with the Bodyguard of Beijing and he made me happy. The only thing that made me happier than him was money. He was quite a big deal. But he left. Sent me a 15 minute long voice note about why we can’t be together. I listened to four minutes and maxed out my emotional availability for that day. I still have not listened to the whole thing but I will at some point. The thing that makes me mad is he had me open. He had me wanting things that I didn’t want before. What TF happens now to the new desires and aspirations that he has aroused within me?
In all areas of my life, I am standing at the crossroads wondering what happens next.