28 Mar Insecurities and Fears
I’m always scared that everybody is trying to hurt me
You cannot get me out of defense mode. It rarely ever happens. Been hurt by the people who I never thought would ever bring me harm. Now I do not trust anybody. I can’t even close my eyes when I wash my face (this could also be from the horror movies.) I am always trying to stay woke because I don’t wanna miss the signs of someone who is clearly going to hurt me.
I am scared to say something and be wrong
We covered this in day 10. I do like being wrong because I have learnt that being wrong could have harmful effects. So before I say something, I will always check and recheck before it leaves my mouth. I dislike the humiliation and shame of being wrong. Even worse, I cannot handle the guilt of being wrong and people act based on my bad intel and things go sideways. This is why I will even keep my deep insight or good ideas to myself and only volunteer my 2 cents in a smaller setting.
I don’t feel too pretty
Had a conversation once with someone who was a good friend of mine. We were talking about the beauty of our classmate and during the conversation she says, “You’re not pretty.” She must have seen my heartbreak and my eyes glaze over because she tried to retract her statement and say, “You know what I mean, you are pretty but not conventional pretty.” What in hell is conventional pretty? This is my Achilles’ Heel, I know I’m not Bontle Modisele but I’m not Shrek either. This is why I dislike being photographed and when I do get photographed, I am so uncomfortable and it shows in the final pictures.
I’m scared I’m gonna fail
I look around a lot. Social media has made it possible for me to reach more people who I can compare myself to. I hardly get body envy because I could have those bodies if I wanted but I haven’t the discipline. I compare myself on hustle levels. Believe it or not I am threatened by Taylor Swift because we were both in 1989. I start to feel like I haven’t worked hard enough and that I will be a failure. It sounds stupid but it happens. There aren’t enough motivational quotes to repair this flawed mentality.
I don’t think I have what it takes
There’s humility then there’s me. I have never had a God moment when you look at something you have done and see that it is good. Even though people seem to like my work, I have always felt like I could do better. It could be unhealthy but it keeps me grounded. The downside is that sometimes the fear precedes me to the point where I decline opportunities before I even try all because I am too afraid to fail.
What are some of your insecurities and fears?