03 Apr What Does Vulnerability Mean To Me?
“Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.“
I am in a constant state of vulnerability. Its borderline paranoia. They say everyone you meet will either add value to you or drain something from you. My default assumption is that everybody is trying to hurt me one way or another. The worst is when you get hurt by accident because you can’t predict when next the next accident will happen.
I do not like to open up and share. I try to keep as much as I can to myself. Most people will lure you out of your comfort zone as a game. Some will give you a false sense of security and make fun of your issues down the line. They will even go as far as insulting you with your problems. Then the worst, is the kind that listen for the sake of spreading your drama as an icebreaker to anybody that will listen.
Went to a counselling retreat to deal with my ghosts of sexual violence. I swore to myself that I would open up and be vulnerable and exorcise some demons. And boy did I. I sat in the sharing circle and when my turn came, I relived those experiences. All for a good cause right? A problem shared is a problem solved. So there I was, baring my soul, parting with my deepest issues. It was okay, cause I was getting help. A trained professional was sitting amongst us. You’d think I got help, but it was none of that. I have never felt so used. Long story short, my emotional health was not the end game of the retreat. I was left raw and sore and back at square one with the emotional pain. It took me a while to put all that stuff back in Pandora’s box.
I joke around a lot to avoid being vulnerable unnecessarily. I can entertain you for hours talking fluff and you still wouldn’t know me. Making jokes makes it hard for people to find things they can pick at. Everybody just thinks whatever I do is part of the act. You can hardly tell if I’m joking or serious. You cant judge a jester. Let’s not get into it about my passive aggression.