How does that song go, “and I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand”?
@googoodollsofficial We STILL cannot get over this moment from the @AMAs #GooGooDolls #Iris #AMA #QueenLatifah #AmericanMusicAwards
It’s weird how chronic disappointment changes the way the mind works.
After so many flops, I had no desire to be seen or perceived or laid eyes upon. I stopped leaving my house or meeting people because tjo Africans are nosy. Where is such and such? How’s this? How’s that? What happened to? And I was always on the brink, super sensitive and ready to lose it any moment, so I stayed home, under the blankets, bedrotting, binge-watching and doing all the nonsense in excess.
And more time passed.
I was lethargic. I was tired. I was uninspired. I had nothing to say. Even with the people I lived with, I’d be too tired to open my mouth to speak. My battery was flat. It started with the unread texts. I didn’t have the energy to engage in a conversation about anything with anyone. The unread texts were piling up, and I uninstalled that app from my phone. One tick undelivered is better than two ticks unreplied. Well, for me anyway.
@katz_llale I was busy with an application for something related to my career and the nonchalnace in which I answered the questions stunned me quite a bit. And that is when it hit me that life has broken me so quietly and yet so magnificently that I have learned to no longer want things or say out loud that I do. These are the scars we carry. #fyp #hardtruth #creatorsearchinsights #midnightthoughts #trauma
I thought what I didn’t have was the energy to engage, but truly, I didn’t have the energy to pretend. Pretend I’m okay. Pretend all is well. Pretend that life wasn’t bleak. I tried to push through it, write through it, but my tone was off. Drafts upon drafts of posts unpublished because they don’t align with the “Thembi Terry” brand.
And that only made things worse.
I was empty. And I wasn’t doing any of the things that usually fill me up. I wasn’t telling stories and creating content. Instead, my days were filled with doing all the things I disliked. Things I wasn’t good at. Things that took double the effort just to be rewarded with mediocre results.
And all the stories shut up in my bones started to fester, and I got even sadder.
