So, I was going through a manic episode, and I decided to binge-watch 5 Star Weekend to forget all my troubles. You can watch the trailer to see what it’s all about but long story short, a woman loses her husband and takes 4 of her friends to a getaway to get away from it all. The objective was to bring 4 friends from different phases of her life, and it got me thinking, who would I invite and from which phase?
My sister likes to say, “The price for community is inconvenience.” And quite frankly, yes, and honestly, I haven’t done the work required to cultivate solid relationships (not just friendships).
The thing I want the most is the thing that scares me the most. Lemme explain, do I want the bridal parties, girls’ getaways, brunch dates, etc.? Yes! But am I putting in the work on the daily to build up that clique? No. I want the girl gang, but connection scares me. Was I always like this? Nope. So what happened?
I’m tired. Just tired. My husband and I always ask ourselves how other people have so much time and energy when we can barely do anything over the weekend.
But the fatigue runs deeper than that. I got tired of being stuck or feeling stuck. I got tired of being sick and tired. I had no new updates. Life wasn’t changing. I was complaining about the same old thing. Even I was now tired of my poo-poo.
My life felt like a never-ending loop of a series of unfortunate events. I had stubborn prayer points, which quite frankly even now I still have those prayer points. I remember texting a friend about an issue very sensitive to me, and her WhatsApp status was quite literally, “Please see a professional. We’re not adequately equipped to carry your issues.” Here lies the remains of my ability to be vulnerable.
The other truth?
I got hurt. Deeply.
I can’t gather together 4 women from different phases of my life because most won’t speak to me. The reasons differ but the results are the same. I hurt them. They hurt me. Just know there was hurting involved. And that has broken my ability to love and be loved because I’m not risking that again.
Am I the victim in all this? No. Did I always know that? Also no.
I watched both seasons of “Big Mood” (yes, in one sitting), and I finally understood my mental struggles from the POV of people around me. And you know what, yes, two things can definitely be true at the same time. I’m unreliable, inconsistent and hard to reach. I disappear a lot. When I’m surviving an episode, I can’t even be there for myself. Self-care becomes a chore. And I can’t expect you to schedule your life around when I’m not having an episode.
