I had a dream that I was left behind. Was I scared? Absolutely. But am I glad I got the warning? Also yes. The truth is, I’ve been so distracted. I haven’t been diligent with anything worse off the things of God. When was the last time I blogged here? My podcast hasn’t had a new episode in over a year. I haven’t uploaded anything to my TikTok account either.
It’s the excuses I’m sick of. I have an excuse for everything. I justify all the nonsense I’ve been doing, and it’s finally adding up. My house management hasn’t been up to standard. When was the last time I sorted out my messy wardrobe shelves? And I know the importance of orderly spaces, I’ve even blogged about it. How did I forget? How did I start getting sloppy? I’m always saying, “starting tomorrow, next week, next month.” What’s going on with me?
In one of the recurring dreams, I’m not passing the test for one reason or another. I just don’t pass the test in the dream. I’m lukewarm. I don’t know how I got lukewarm, but I did. I’m distracted when I pray. I’m distracted when I force Bible Study. I have to force because if the flesh has its way, it would never get done. There are instructions that the Lord gave me, am I doing any of them? No. And still, I can’t get myself to make the change. When was the last time I was physically in church? Don’t even ask. When was the last time I ministered to someone about the love of Christ? I’m ashamed.
When did I start listening to the flesh? Let’s call a spade, a spade. When did I backslide? When did my fire for the things of God wax cold? I really don’t know. I can’t account for my time. I wake up, blink, and the day is over. Nothing accomplished. Nothing done to perfection. Everything is half-done, shelved or put off to tomorrow. I know what I ought to do, it feels like I don’t have the juice to do it. The spirit is willing but somewhere along the line, the flesh became weak.
Where is the self-control?
I recently went on vacation with my husband. I wanted to buy some new clothes to add to my wardrobe. I couldn’t find anything. I didn’t find clothes because most of them didn’t sit right on my body. I’m so far gone, it wasn’t even fun to try on clothes anymore. It was sad. We stayed in a resort with a lagoon. When I put on my swimsuit, I was appalled at how far I’d let myself go. When did the soft life become slothful? How did my life get like this? How did things get so far out of hand?
My goal has been to be a good and faithful servant. Nothing about my current lifestyle is in alignment with that. I’ve been missing deadlines and ducking out of commitments. I’m losing money and credibility. I changed numbers, thinking the noise in my head would ease up, it didn’t. The error lies with me. I’m the one who can’t get her head in the game. I open my laptop, I close my laptop. Nothing has been done.
Now that I have received the warning, what am I going to do about it? Honestly, I really don’t know. I’m just tired of lying to myself and falling behind.
