I have so many strange issues when it comes to food. Food is my private thing to do. I really don’t like eating outside with other people.

Let me try to explain my layers with food.

My first date was when I was 17. My crush took me to an ice-cream parlour. I was so excited I forgot that I am lactose intolerant. If milk had killed me, I would’ve died a happy girl. So I got the gift of gab from my mother and when we are nervous we start to blabber and blabber and blabber. My mouth did not disappoint that day!

Licking Ice Cream GIF by Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Find & Share on GIPHY

We were sitting with ice-cream cones in our hands. In between not wanting to eat it and chatting away it started to melt right down my hand. I didn’t wanna lick it cause that’s barbaric but I couldn’t go to the bathroom with it either. It was such a humiliating experience. Doesn’t sound like much now but to 17 year old me it was mortifying. I made a decision right there, don’t take me on food dates.

Fast forward to my twenties.

Due to the scarcity of adequate recreational centres, food seemed to be the go-to for dates. I couldn’t avoid it. It’s either you eat or be eaten during Netflix and chill. I was dating this one guy and he was a struggling creative. He took me out to have chicken. Because I knew that he was struggling financially, I was afraid to order anything that might put him in a difficult position. I’d eat before I left home and lie that I wasn’t hungry. If he insists, I’d refuse to order and let him order for the both us since he knew the girth of his wallet.

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My refusal to order my own food came across as flippancy towards the relationship and that didn’t last long.

During my internship, my supervisor took me out for lunch at Pistachio’s. I had never been there but arriving to Sam Levy’s for the first time, I realized this was way out of my intern allowance. When it was time to order, I was so scared to order because I wasn’t sure who was footing the bill. I think she could tell because she reassured me that it was on her. I still ordered conservatively because I didn’t want her to think just because she is paying I’ll eat her out of house and home. The food cost so much, I was shy to leave some behind. I was full but I had to clear the plate. I ate everything including the rose.

Read about that lunch here: https://thembiterry.co.zw/the-lunch-whatsapp-commentary/

Currently, I am seeing a very fancy man that eats everything with a fork and knife. Growing up, his dad taught him that he needed to eat with proper cutlery so that he doesn’t embarrass him when they go meet business stakeholders. It’s awkward when he takes me on food dates and I want to eat with my hands. I don’t have the skill of eating with forks and knives. My hand-eye coordination doesn’t allow. I try to respect him by not chewing chicken bones. That is the most I am willing to do for him. The fancy pants way of eating is just not working. Rather I order soup because I have extensive experience in eating porridge.

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So, because I have an overactive imagination and social awkwardness please don’t take me on food dates. It doesn’t end well. Trust me when I say I have eaten. I really load up before I leave the house to avoid eating in public. No, it’s not a private school thing to do but yes we weren’t allowed to eat in the streets.

What are some of your dining experiences?