Forgiveness is so difficult. Not just because you can remember what happened and how much it hurt but also because there isn’t a list somewhere of outstanding issues to be forgiven. You’re thinking, I’m right with everybody and BAM something happens to remind you that nope, you have some unresolved issues. Sometimes you have forgiven everybody except yourself and this is the real tragedy.

“Forgiveness is me giving up my need to hurt you for hurting me,” – Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter

Signs that you haven’t forgiven yourself will be unique to you. Personally, I gave someone ‘bad intel’ and they passed away. Because I haven’t forgiven myself for that, I am constantly second guessing myself and now I have a phobia of passing on information which isn’t accurate. My body will physically respond to this discomfort. My heart rate will quicken, my palms will sweat and all of a sudden I can’t breathe. I’m still working on it.

When you haven’t forgiven yourself, you can’t make peace with what happened. Even in school, detention has to end at some point. Why are you giving yourself 25 to life for things that happened in the past? The whole point of prison or the naughty corner, is for you to reflect on what you did wrong and then repent from it. Prisons are sometimes referred to as Rehabilitation Centers. Meaning you did something wrong, went in, got right and can now come out and try this life thing again. But in the prison of your own making, you have placed yourself in solitary confinement and thrown away the keys.

The problem with unforgiveness is that, until you’re able to really forgive that certain thing, you can’t learn the lesson that was to be learnt by that experience. For example, if you failed an exam, you won’t retake it if you haven’t forgiven yourself. You’ll be wallowing in regret, shame, pain and fear of failing again. But if you choose to forgive yourself, you will realize that maybe studying the night before is not a good idea and you will be better prepared for the next time you have to take that exam.

I did a session with a Shaman sometime last year for a personal issue. When she sent me back the report of what she had discovered on my spiritual audit, she stated that I needed to forgive an ex from 2017. I didn’t even know who that was. Everything before I met my husband is a blur. I still don’t know who that is but clearly there are some unresolved issues there that I need to address. The fact that this unforgiveness came up means it’s worth looking into. I honestly can’t say if I can identify the consequences of this unforgiveness in my life but they are there somewhere.

Imagine walking up to the pearly gates all chirpy thinking you’ve forgiven everybody and get turned away because you haven’t forgiven yourself for the outfit you wore in May 1980. LOL. I made a funny. On a serious note, God requires that we make right with people before we step up to Him. He says He can’t forgive you for your sins if you have unforgiveness. The good book says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Unless you condemn yourself obviously.

You need to let go of all the things that you like to torture yourself with like some emotional BDSM. Show yourself the same mercy you have awarded some people around you who probably deserved it less than you do. 

When a thing that you condemn yourself for pops up in your mind and starts to give you palpitations, acknowledge that feeling, recognize the root and then with your mouth declare that you have forgiven yourself for it. If you can write up affirmations or verses which you think can help then do so. I learnt this trick from some sermon, that when a negative thought pops up, say something with your mouth because you can’t think and talk at the same time. Works every time!

When you’re up late at 3am, what are some of the things that pop up in your mind that clearly need to be forgiven and made peace with?