I Wasn’t Crazy, I Was Torn Apart

During the unhealthiest phase of my life, I went through hell.

Life is a rollercoaster, it goes up, it goes down and throws you all around. I used to think that I had bad luck and that I was cursed. The things that I went through were very hard to believe that one person could go through so much. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice right? Wrong. Lighting kept striking at me like a slave being flogged.

The people around me didn’t understand what was going on with me. If my relatives were church goers, they would have called the priest to pray for me on a regular basis. Most people just brushed it off as someone who was unnecessarily acting out. People kept making “you’re crazy” jokes and completely disregarded the things that I was going through. They didn’t care about my feelings and what I was going through.

Had I been born into another family, I probably would have been whipped quite a few times. I was living life reckless. I was in a lot of pain and I was failing to cope. I was malfunctioning and I needed help. I didn’t have a clue where I’d get it. Who could help me? How much would they cost? I tried the church. Free counseling from a man of God, what could possibly go wrong?

The first day I went there I felt so judged. I didn’t pay them no mind. I knew what I was here for and I wasn’t going to leave before I got it.  As the counselling went on, I started to feel worse off than when I came. Like I was an irretrievable sinner or that I wasn’t believing in God enough. I got even more frustrated with life.

I sunk deeper into depression. Every time I thought that I was recovering I’d hear something that would send me reeling into a relapse. I didn’t have the support that I needed to cope but I never ran out of hecklers that kept draining my energy. It took everything out of me to recover. I withdrew from people. I kept to myself and shield myself from the voices.

Before you utter a statement of judgment towards a human that you know nothing about just stop. We are all going through something. If you aren’t going to help then don’t aggravate the situation either. Focus on your own path and let people work through their issues without your negative energy.

Pay attention to your loved ones. Be available. Please, please learn to listen. Don’t brush off anything that say. Listen to what they are saying, what they are not saying and how they are saying it. Don’t think they are being dramatic or being theatrical or attention seeking. You might be missing a genuine cry for help. Never discredit anyone’s thoughts and feelings. Don’t get mad over their actions, ask why they are acting out in the way that they are. Don’t treat the symptoms, rip out the tumor.

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