Ever been in such a dark space that when you day dream you can hear people giving eulogies at your funeral?

I haven’t felt alive in a very long time.

I don’t know where in my life a part of me died but I haven’t been able to get it back ever since.

Last year I quit my job and walked out on everything. I started living to die. I stopped making future plans. I was living in the here and now and I withdrew from everything and everyone. It would be simpler this way so that nobody feels the loss when I’m gone. I straightened out my affairs and moved back home. What people didn’t know is that I was going home to die.

I saw ways to die everywhere. Got funeral cover so that my people don’t suffer but they don’t pay out if it’s a suicide. My brain got really creative.

I was done with everything. I felt tired all the time. I felt stuck. Trapped. There were battles I was facing that nobody could understand. All of it felt futile. I had so many issues and none of them had solutions that I could see. I wanted to die but I was scared. Scared of what?

I was scared to go to hell

When a friend of mine took her life, it was too close to home. The closest its ever been. It was a crazy time because she was from a religious background and the church people kept whispering how people who commit suicide go straight to hell. The reasoning behind this made no sense to me but this fear may be one of the things that are keeping me alive today.

I am scared to feel pain

Not too many painless methods available.

I was scared to fail

When I was in Form 1, a girl at my high school jumped from the first floor. She tried to commit suicide but she failed. Instead she broke several body parts and is now paralysed. I think that’s the worst thing. I feel trapped now but I wouldn’t survive being imprisoned in my own flesh. Constant failing at stuff is one of the reasons why I feel drained and tired all the time. I don’t wanna add failing to die as one of them.

I’m scared to get laughed at

Had a relative that tried to take her own life. The incident was kept hush hush but her very own blood were the first to crack jokes and ridicule her failed suicide attempt. Instead of trying to deal with the issues that she was facing, they punished her for trying to end her life. They accused her of being selfish and not having them at heart.

It’s a dark cloud that I haven’t been able to shake. Truth is, I’m not coping.