• Tabata WorkOutEarlier this year at the ZITF I bumped into my former employers. I hadn’t noticed them and I was about to walk past when one of them says, “Thembi just because you are pregnant it doesn’t mean you can be rude.”

I stopped dead in my tracks not to greet them but because of shock.

I wasn’t pregnant.

I didn’t even enjoy the trade fair thereafter. I just wanted to go home. I would have run home had I been in takkies. All I knew was the weight had to come off one way or another.

I started with the simple things. Like not eating all the foods I liked. I quit sugar gradually. Lessened my doses until I was finally weaned off of it. I viciously attacked my wardrobe and threw all the clothes that made me look frumpy in the donation pile. I chucked the unflattering clothes out as well. I also donated the clothes I probably may never fit into again.

I don’t like to leave my house so the gym was out of the question. I had to look for Home Work Out videos on YouTube. I even followed @HomeSquat on Instagram for good measure. I love weight loss ideas that come with warnings – it means it works a little too well. (Don’t try this at home.)
TabataI tried the Tabata workout regiment. It worked. Everything hurt so bad. I lack the Christian Grey gene so I stopped. I do NOT enjoy pain. The warnings on the ‘Gram about Tabata were true. Those were the longest twenty seconds of my life! No point in having a slamming corpse. Defeats the whole purpose.

I drink infused water everyday. Every morning begins with warm lemon water and ends with lemon and ginger tea. Once in a while I’ll detox.

You’d think all the weight is gone and I’m as slender as a snake but nope. I still don’t have a thigh gap (but I can Photoshop it in) I see why thigh gaps are celebrated. My thighs are so big now that they rub against each other when I walk and chaff raw. Not to mention that the friction turns them black. I’m not prepared to wear tights for the rest of my life. I’d rather stop walking.

I am lazy to workout in fact no I’m scared to die. I can only do three minutes of Zumba before my lungs come up to my throat. Mum won’t buy me fancy weight loss vegetation for the snacking so I eat what’s available. CARBOHYDRATES. I love bread as much as Oprah does.

My logical conclusion is I don’t want it badly enough. Imma give up and buy clothes for my new size. I accept my new lot of living large. (See what I did there?)

What weight loss tricks work for you?