I just turned 26 and July is always a dicey month for me and a plethora of emotions. This is usually the month when I do stock take of the current year and compare it to my vision board from the last birthday. This year is particularly disappointing. Not only were goals not reached but the pay out on some investments was weak to say the least.
I’ve always been good at not comparing my life to other people and prided myself on being different. But this year, something went wrong. There’s something about working for and with women round about the same age as you that makes you feel like you are behind time or something. So you start to scramble, dabble in everything and spread yourself thin. Too many projects means more things to fail at. Opportunities keep coming and the fear of missing out on something great puts you under immense pressure to keep saying. But life isnt like that, just cause you doing more work the universe doesn’t cut you any slack and throw in more hours in a day.
I’m in that awkward space between where I am and where I actually want to be. I am fully aware of the amount of work that needs to be put in and yet I still can’t commit. And the thing is, I want too much. Too many ideas. Too many opportunities. And of course I have too many talents and I’m trying to use them all. I really feel like I’m running out of time. I spend more time thinking about what I should be doing, and I think it over so much until I’m physically tired and that’s before I even try.
I’m tired. Exhausted. Drained. Uninspired. Got a backlog in my mind that will take me a while to get through. Not sure when imma get outta this rut and I’m good with it. I’m the kinda artist that comes up with their best work in dark times.