ZimLive has been doing some entertaining stuff over the past few weeks and my favourite topic popped up, side chicks. As much as they are being judged and dragged, there is someone out there who is SBWL’ing and saying, “Put me in coach.” It’s not shocking at all, people are hungry and desperate out there.

It’s hard work!

I’ve always wondered how radio personalities go on air everyday and sound chirpy AF. EVERYDAY! I have such intense mood swings, I wouldn’t be able to do it. You would know if I am having a bad day. It’s the same with side chicks, the stereotype is that you’re the fun place and the wife is the tumultuous place. You are pretty all the time. You have no headaches. It’s always go-time with you. You must be a ray of sunshine all the time otherwise what are you good for?

It’s a scary work 

It’s like Fear Factor but with sex. You can tell from the skin texture on his face that you don’t want to see this person undressed but then you think about the prize money and you devour the dead animal you’ve been challenged to eat. What you’ll need is something to help you get past it, alcohol, pills, hallucinagens, something, anything to give you that out of body experience. 21 Savage says, “a b!+c# so bad I pop a molly before I hit it.” For you it’s bad in the literal sense. Bad like meat in the fridge after weeks of load shedding bad. If your visualization skills  or ability to hallucinate is great that would be a great skill for you to have. You can pretend it’s T.I or something. 

You have to know some stuff

If there is a P_rnhub newsletter with all the latest breaking news about tips and tricks you can use in the bedroom, you need to sign up for it. Or if you know an Eveline girl you can get that information for free. Doesn’t matter how you get the information, it’s in your best interest to make this session pass quickly from you. Roll out the big guns to make this short time a really short time. He should literally have as many thrusts as the number of Presidents Zimbabwe has ever had. This will be no easy feat especially if he has taken the blue pill or drank his 2 cups.

The men are sloppy

Being a sidechick means that you are a state secret amongst other secrets like the nuclear codes. But the truth is, y’all are gonna get caught and my money is on the man dropping the ball. That gender can’t keep a secret or a straight face. Once they find a new play thing outside, it shows. It’s like when they have just been paid, you can tell from the spring in their step that yeah today he has money. If you have ever lived with a toddler you know that when they get a new toy, all the other toys cease to exist. It’s exactly the same thing.

Don’t be a dumb b!+c#

Imagine doing the things with men who are one foot in the grave, dead men walking, spiritual husbands, living ancestors only to walk away with wigs and wild stories about hangovers. If you’re gonna go all in, make it worth it. Walk away with properties, investments, boutiques, cars, money stashed under your bed in your rural home in eMnyam’ubambile. Yikuthi nje amajodo awela abangela mbiza, if it was me, I would own your little teapot country by now.


Being a mistress can be an empowering experience according to the mini-series I watched on the History channel. It was about how mistresses were the puppet masters stringing along some of the most prominent men in European history. The downside is that, in the words of Eminem, “but when it’s bad, it’s awful.” And you have to live the rest of your life with the scarlet letter because the internet doesn’t forget.

Are you ready to riksss it all?