Things got so bad, I started wondering if I was cursed with bad luck. I was up late on Google pulling Tarot cards online to see what the actual heck was going on with me. Of course, the cards kept zoning back into my love life which was the only thing going right for me. Things were really foul, I found an online Sangoma that does free consultations via WhatsApp. Yeah, things were belly up.
I tried to confide in people around me and it just felt like I was annoying them. I got tired of sounding like a broken record. I was in a bad place and I was inconsolable. In the lyrics of The Script, “No wise words gonna stop the bleeding.” There wasn’t a Bible verse or a meme that could have pulled me out from under that dark cloud.
My confidence and validation come from the work that I do. I put a lot of thought and planning into anything that I do. Excellence is the only standard and my pursuit of perfection is a sickness. My reputation precedes me and nothing boosts my confidence like being head-hunted. And that’s the thing, after I resigned from C2 Digital, it seemed like nobody would hire me. I had to send out CVs. This was a new low for me. In addition to that it felt like all my passion projects were going through turbulence. I sank deeper into sadness.
I blogged about why we need rejection in our lives and it was like I no longer believed in anything I had written. I got rejection email after rejection email and that’s if they decide to reply me at all.
And you know how the mind works, it can replay all your past failures on loop dating back to when you were a toddler. This worsened my situation. I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t work. I felt like all the things that I do didn’t matter. I felt like closing up shop on all my passion projects and retiring. My plan was just to live off of my mom and be a freeloader.
You’re hoping this story has a great ending, it doesn’t. I’m not okay and that’s okay. This too shall pass.