Have you ever looked at a person that’s been described as having lived a hard life? You can see it in their face, their skin texture, their attitude, their tone and the things that they say. You can’t help but concur that yes indeed they have been dealt the end of the stick with barbed wire on it.

I’ve been thinking about my own life and how that hardness has manifested itself in my life. I’m not as soft as I would like to be. What do I mean by soft? I’ve met women who were so soft they literally looked like a cloud or cotton candy. They are warm, welcoming and attractive. I worked with a woman like this at C2, her name was Tino. Her skin felt like butter. She told me her secret but I’m too lazy for it.

I’m just gonna come right out and say it, I no longer want to be a strong woman anymore. From here on out, consider me fragile AF. I now want a softer life.

I started to research on YouTube on how I can become the soft woman I’ve always wanted to be. In order to make these life changes, I needed to understand the underlying causes which made me hard and stoic, with a perpetual resting bitch face. The one thing I quickly learned is that past pain was my biggest problem. It’s like when you get hurt, the skin heals and creates a hard scab while it recuperates. Depending on the extent of the damage, a scar will result from that and it will be harder than your normal skin. Life is exactly the same way.

I know that my walls are up good and solid. I am always war-time ready. I mentioned it briefly on this blog post. I come across as someone who is always ready to throw down. This is because people did what people do and now I am paranoid and distrusting of human beings. I felt Big Sean when he said, “If you move too quick I might take it as a threat.” This shows up on my face and I look unapproachable.

When I was doing YALI one of my favourite lecturers explained what the body is like when it’s stressed. He explained that it’s a fight or flight response and other bodily functions are put on hold. So me always being ready to defend myself gives off the same reaction. This is why chronic stress wrecks your immune system and hastens the ageing process. This is because the system hasn’t been able to run up-keep processes. It’s literally doing the bare minimum and allocating resources to just staying alive. It is then crucial to catch yourself during the day, slow down, take deep breaths and assure the body that you are safe and it can resume regular programming.

Unresolved issues can make you harder than you really are. All those suppressed feelings are a ticking time bomb and one day, it will go off. This toxicity is having you show up to simple disputes with the spirit of Tshaka Zulu which is unnecessary. A simple quarrel becomes World War 3 with you because the suppressed battles are demanding to be settled at all costs. It looks like, you taking out issues from your ex onto your current boothang. Deal with your emotional triggers and stop being so trigger happy.

If you’ve graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, you’re definitely going to be hard. Cardi B says, “If you’ve seen what I’ve seen you end up like this.” Having to be the breadwinner and provide for yourself will harden you. You’re probably wondering why you can’t find a partner to spend on you for a change. This is because you give off the impression that you’ve got this and your partner sees no need or no room to assist you. Reflexes will having you reaching for the cheque on a date or you offering to give your partner money because looking after others is all that you know. Get out of your own way and let people take care of you. If you can relate to that Ne Yo Miss Independent song, you probably fall under this category.

To be soft, you need to be light. Unburden yourself of life’s troubles. Make peace with your past and embrace the present with joy and positivity. The beauty of life will start to radiate from inside of you and you will start attracting the soft life you’re yearning for.